Chris Fisher Keeble in sassy colourful outfit

Alone But Never Lonely

Alone BUT Never Lonely!

 

A broken paper heart on a string

 

This article is deeply personal.

 

Not my first rodeo, but sure as hell, it’s going to be my last. A relationship has ended with a man I thought was the one. We had the best life together. He’s wonderful, kind, capable and caring. I loved him deeply; I hadn’t thought I’d ever be able to feel that way again. But, despite what I saw as positive, he saw it as negative. Why?

We each have homes in two different states.

 

Spending about 80% of my time at his in Melbourne, our life was exceptional… motorbike rides, shared interests, laughter… and love. The other 20% was spent fulfilling commitments in Sydney, with my ageing parents, grandkids, kids and work.

I missed him and always looked forward to my Melbourne homecoming;
I also cherished my little bits of
me-time.

 

Beautiful family shot of 3 generation women

Changes had begun at work, incorporating part-time into the mix, reducing that burden, allowing me more time in Melbourne. With the grand-kids growing up, they’re needing me less.

Elderly parents… well, that’s an unknown you can’t plan for.

He’d offered to move to Sydney, but he’d not liked it in a previous life. Leaving behind the Melbourne riding groups he likes to organise, then trying to find a place to rent, as my place is so small.

Self-seeking, I wanted to keep it as my little oasis. I could only foresee disaster and this reaction upset him… the catalyst for the change of feelings.

Still, loving the Melbourne life we shared, I had made connections within a friendship circle and even had an art exhibition in his village. It felt great there… I felt great there.

I asked myself, “Was I being selfish?”

 

But I’d genuinely felt the opposite and thought I was trying to make it work.

As women age and have been through a couple of relationships… they reach a point where they need some of themselves. They’ve already spent a lifetime nurturing and looking after everyone else.

There was a great line in one of the Sex and the City movies where Samantha said to her young lover: I love you, but I love me more” and off she went.

 

I believe there’s nothing wrong with a bit of selfishness after years of putting everyone else first!
I’ll never apologise for being independent and needing my own time.

 

As men get older though, they look for a more stable companion, to share each day and night. Nothing wrong with that… but we see things differently the more we age. Our wants, needs and expectations exist on different planets.

Yep… that old chestnut… Mars vs Venus debate again!

I’m now solo again and part of me is embracing that life I also love.

 

Chris Fisher Keeble in sassy colourful outfit

 

I can ride my beautiful motorbikes anywhere, anytime.
I’ve loads of mates, both close and from the road.
I can fart and snore in bed.
I’ll choose to pick my toenail polish off, shave my feet, face and fanny… or not.
I can let my belly sag, along with my tits and neck.

 

 

NOW… what I do to look good is for no one, except me!

 

I have a great life ahead of me… meeting people, discovering adventures, forever learning, being a little bit brave and crazy and making no apologies for who I am.

Perhaps the difference for me is I’m alone a lot… but I never feel lonely.

 

I miss much of what we had, for sure, but no use looking back. Like everyone, I have the power to make my future great. We choose to wake up each morning and look forward with positivity… not back with regret.

 

Chris Fisher Keeble, a solo woman on an Indian motorbike, in the Australian Outback

 

Here’s what matters:

 

  • No longer sweat the small stuff
  • I am stronger solo
  • I have family, friends and good fortune
  • My choice to wake up each morning and focus on looking after myself, my health, my mind and my body… granted, I need to work on the body bit
  • I care about humans, the planet and being a good, decent person.

 

I’m a survivor, adventurer and all-round memorable person.

 

Chris Fisher Keeble a woman sitting on a couch with her art work and a smile

 

During the last few months of the relationship, I could see he wasn’t happy. I’d found some anonymous words that summed up what I had been feeling.

I tweaked it a bit and sent it to him, hoping he would understand and hang in there for our excellent future and plans.

 

 

I’ll leave you with this and look forward to writing again soon…

A Text To My Partner

 

There are some times of the year, some days of the year when I feel like I want to be alone forever.
When I feel like a partnership is a pain in the ass and I want to run out to Alaska and live in a little warm house and train sled dogs.
During these times, I’m afraid to really feel those feelings and think those thoughts because when I do, I believe them.
There are other times when I feel warm and happy and safe and glad in our partnership.

I don’t completely understand myself or understand you, or humans, or human relationships…
But I enjoy the camaraderie and the life we’ve built together.
During the times when I want to be away and unconcerned with what anyone else wants,
What I really want is freedom and control.

I want to have my own house in which no one can visit without my invitation,
Which I arrange according to my own taste, convenience and comfort.
I want to come and go as I please with no regard for anyone’s preferences or feelings except mine.
Then I remember how it feels to be loved by you.
And how nourishing it can be to hold hands with you.

I know I would miss you terribly and that I won’t give you up forever for sled dogs and Alaska.

But I am glad to give you up sometimes, so I can have only me, just me, all me.
I see that I must, sometimes, find ways to give myself a fraction of freedom where the only thing in my world is me…
Just a fraction, just to be me.

My love for you is real
My love for me, as I’ve discovered over the years, is also real and necessary
Times alone give me another type of satisfaction that nothing else can give me.
And they also make me miss you, want you and treasure what we have even more.

 

But it didn’t save the day as I thought it would.
How quickly things can change… life turns on a dime.
Change can be hard and yet exciting, if you let it be.

 

 

Chris Fisher Keeble, a woman dressed in Steam Punk style.

 

Written by:

Christine Fisher Keeble

 

 

 

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“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Mark Twain

 

 

 

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